Bipolar?

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Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

Yes! It’s been 3 hard years to accept that I am a 39 year old woman that suffers from Bipolar Depression and let’s not forget anxiety as well. When I got diagnosed with this it crushed my heart into pieces, I didn’t know how to deal with it or how to even explain it. All I could think about was “Am I crazy”, like literally am I. Never in a million years did I think that I would have this sickness, I mean a lot was going through my mind and it still is. There are days that go into manic mood and then there are days that I hate myself or everything annoys me. I feel like a mess all I want to do is be in bed asleep in my dark room how sad is that?

I try, I try really hard to snap out of it at times but I feel that it beats me. Like I can’t win it. But then there are days that I’m on a roll, I mean get up early go to the gym, cook, clean, wash and just full of energy and those days is when I feel my old self again.

I MISS MYSELF SO MUCH 

I miss my laugh

I miss my smile

I miss my adventurous self

I miss it all

woman looking at sunset
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Should I Care?

Should I care what people think about me?

Do you care what people think about you?

To be honest I don’t think I should care so much what people think about me or say about me but in reality I do. And that’s a downfall on my behalf. Why? Why do I care? I mean I know that I was not born to please everyone, but I still care what they think. The more I try not to I do and it gets to me. It’s like when I meet someone for the first time I get anxiety because I don’t know what they are thinking or what they might go and say about me. For me they are probably thinking the worse of me, I’ve always had the habit of putting myself down. Crazy huh? But that’s just how I am and I hate it.

Now let me ask y’all this, am I the only that feels or thinks this way? I really hope I’m not and if I’m not please let me know how y’all deal with this type of feeling.

Am I Enough?

I have been married for 9 years our marriage has been one hell of a roller coaster. There are times that everything is perfect and then there are times when I feel that everything is falling apart. And I ask myself am I enough? There is a part of me that says that I am not enough for him, I also think that he can do so much better, is it wrong for me to feel this way after being married 9 years? He says he loves me, he swears that he is madly in love with me, but I still feel that I am not enough. If you are asking yourself has he ever cheated on you? The answer is yes he has. Have I cheated on him? The answer is yes I have. Can that be the reason why I feel so insecured? I don’t know but what I do know is that I do need help in finding out why I feel like this. I have a low self esteem and I have depression and I just feel worse when my mind starts to think all this negativity about my marriage. Maybe someone out there understand where I’m coming from and can help me understand.